Thursday, May 27, 2010

My income work is not fun

Whine, whine, whine. If I must work, as I am "encouraged" to do, I wish I could use my college degree and work in a research hospital lab. But with my hearing as it is, I don't know if I'll ever be able to work in a lab again.
Next month I will work less, dropping to one day a week going to my wookie's house and washing feces off all the knobs and faucets and doors and then washing and brushing her, medicating, feeding, and then taking her out for a coffee and paper run. I find it so depressing and demoralizing. I think of all I had hoped for her and how hard I worked to give her opportunities how she has refused everything that might add a little width to her life. And then I realize that I am holding an improper attitude. I need to enjoy her for who she is and where she is right now. It is not my place to wish her to be something else. And yet, and yet.
I'll go to autism websites and asperger's websites and read missives from mothers asked for advice about one thing or another, and almost all of them say they love their kids and would not want them any other way. And I think, "Are you crazy?" I want my daughter to be different, to be able to talk, to be able to behave politely in society and at home, to be able to work for an income, to not beat me up when she's mad, to not be so destructive of machinery and goods around her etc etc. And then I think of my son with asperger's syndrome, and no, I would not have my delightful son be any different. Well, I would like him to write to me from time to time. And I do wish he had enough social whatever it takes to be able to network, schmooze, and find a wife. But that's just because I would like his life to be easier. Raising him was the easiest thing I've ever done, and fun too.

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