After my Monday morning shift of taking care of my adult autistic daughter, I drove to the grocery store to pick up some more diabetic blood test strips and bought some more lettuce.
As I walked up and down the aisles while waiting for the pharmacy to fulfill the order, I got sadder and sadder and madder. You know those people who talk about how delicious their recipes for non-allergic, low histamine, real food are. They lie.
I cannot eat over 99% of what is sold in grocery stores. Of what I can eat, I dislike much. I don't know why beautiful bell peppers make me gag with just their smell. I wish I thought carrots and celery tasted as good as pepperoni pizza. It seems like everywhere I look is another NO. I found out two weeks ago that tasty raspberries full of ellagic acid and fiber and delicious give me an allergic reaction that lasts for two days. I grow raspberries and every summer fill our freezer with them. I can't eat them anymore. I can't eat any fruit. None. I came back from our trip to Florida sick and with blurred eyesight. Doctor informed that I had uncontrolled diabetes. No matter how low sugar my food was, I could not get the blood sugar below 200. Even fasting did not drive down the blood sugar. Started Victoza. Oh, what a wonderful drug. For the first time in decades I am not hungry every second. I am finally losing weight because much less food makes me feel full. That is so great. But I still cannot eat any fruit or the blood sugar shoots straight up. No fruit. No bread. I was eating bread only once or twice a month (sometimes you just want a ham sandwich) but now I can NEVER have bread, or oatmeal, or rice or potatoes or noodles. Already I can't have wheat or cow dairy. I should be focused on how I can have goat cheese and most nuts (walnuts give my tongue sores) and I can have celery and carrots and green beans and onions and garlic and lettuce. But, instead, I am grieving over what I can never have again.
And I have to cook, again. I've cooked for decades because it was part of the job description, but I have never liked the chore. When all the kids moved out, my husband started complained that I was making too much food at a time and should learn to make smaller meals. My perception was I could never make enough food, enough to last for a month, or even better, for a year. So I just quit cooking and got used to eating ingredients and chinese food from restaurants. But now I'm back to chop, chop, chop for hours and end up with a hurting back and food that will only last a short while.
I wish I could go to a party or family gathering and just eat what is set before me along with everyone else.
How will I ever be able to go to another country when I can no longer slip nutrition bars into my purse so I can have something to eat in airplanes and airports? I cancelled my trip to Rwanda. Our pastor might go in my place with my husband. Since he is taking over the presidency of Come And See Africa, my husband has to go to the dedication of the Kim Foreman Bible Institute. I'm going to stay home with my hearing loss and restricted, restricted diet. I'm sad.